Now that you know that this could also be the reason why your wife avoids physical contact, you need to be her rock and convince her that you still think shes as beautiful as the day when you first met her. Perhaps there's a desire discrepancy between you, whether in general or just at this particular time in your lives, and you're both very aware of it. I told her that I did not want that, That I only wanted her but she said she loves me but has no sexual feelings, it is slowly destroying me and I do not know what to do, she refuses to talk about it, will not spoon in bed and pulls away from any hug. If your wife wont have sex with you, try not to jump to accusations, as this usually only makes things worse. Whats more, you are not doomed to be in a sexless marriage! I told him if he didnt want a divorce, he should feel free to find date outside the marriage, and if anything serious developed, we would revisit the divorce option. Obviously, if a person is feeling low and theyre feeling depressed, theyre not going to want to interact with others, theyre going to want to isolate themselves. I understand that kids, work, and home projects can weaken your romantic side over time, but it doesnt have to be that way. Now after almost 50 years of marriage, I get two aging people going through the motions of life with a hug and a quick peck on the lips because to desire more means I am stressing him out or asking too much. Depression, anxiety, stress, and other mental health issues are all linked to lower libido, as are some antidepressants. I think it is true that having sex with your partner is part and parcel of the love you feel for each other otherwise it just seems to fade. Youre doing them harm when refusing. She wants no part of it. If you build sex up to be a giant deal, youre putting pressure on both you and your wife. I agree with Roger, I get more laughs, and more insight, from the comment section! Men listen carefully If your wife stopped having sex with you after marriage she will NEVER regain that desire for you. Lets discuss some of the most frequently asked questions related to what to do if your wife never initiates intimacy. The counselor ABSOLUTELY never touched on the subject of sex. I rest my case. Should they chew the food and pretend it tastes wonderful? What about the years of devotion? The problem with respecting a partner who doesnt want sex any longer, is that the other person who does want sex needs to be respected too. You can bring up your feelings about the importance of sex in your relationship so that she knows and can let you know what she has the capacity for. Would you expect your wife to attach as much emotional significance to cooking dinner as to making love? Damn was I a dumbass. If I spend time or money on them, I get ridiculed. Our world is obsessed with sex and without understanding the unity of compassion, respect, close bonds after many years of being together. Huddle up with your wife and ask, If there were something you could change about our sex life, what would it be?. I do raise the issue with her from time to time. Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. It wont fix the sexless marriage. Denied the enjoyment, should they be expected to put the same effort into the preparation? Why, in a relationship, is Sex so bloody important? Should a husband and wife have equal weight in decision making when the husband shoulders ultimate risk for the consequences? Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. In the room. Your story is very very simular to mine. there is NO physical connection PLUS no sex. Hormonal therapy can give you cancer, stroke. How is she even going to want to have a relationship?. The LW sounds like a loving and considerate husband. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. I am not the same, never will be. She has no interest in any positions other than missionary even though I love other positions. We tried and tried to get them to call us but their mother has convinced them that I am to blame for our sons death. Should be a Clause in sickness and health and sex also! Life is way too short! I get you have energy for everyone but me. I have 2 nephews, age 6 & 7, from my brother 13 years younger than me. If I go with my friend (who is also not 100% and we have the same pace, easy and slow) he ridicules me that I have energy to shop, walk her dog or just sit and chat over some tea. And LATINA. I know that it sounds crazy but I never thought about it but that part of our problem came to a head after our 35 year old son (our only child) was killed in an on the job accident. I remember when certain words did the trick. Hi, Nice advice. I went elsewhere a few years back. Peace. The situations here are not just issues for straight couples. Sigh I dont even want to see anyone else. Shes always saying how bad she feels about it but but never offers to do anything. I Got tired of rejection and told her when she wanted to come find me she felt sorry for me and we tried sex toys and one was to big, hurt her but she tried but I could tell. My thoughts are I need to end my current marriage so I can MoveOn. However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. And I still dont even know why! I ask why she said it is just how it is. Every month in Sex at Our Age, award-winning senior sexpert Joan Price answers your questions about everything from loss of desire to solo sex and partner issues. And cheating isnt an option either. ), then it's worth her talking to her doctor. My Wife Doesn't Touch Me Anymore (My Wife Is Not Affectionate To Me Really? Perhaps, some counseling might even help. I really miss the intimacy we used to have when we were sexual. Reaching orgasm can become difficult or seem impossible.". He expects lunch and dinner to be made for him every day, He drinks beer by the gallon and he gives nothing to this marriage. What we have Ive worked very hard to achieve. I would divorce him but whats the point. It makes me sad, and we have talked it out and sadly there is just too much sadness and pain in our relationship for this situation to ever be resolved. I feel very bitter about it and although there have been compensations in our marriage- children and now grandchildren I have found her lack of interest difficult to cope with. That was the best written, most solid commentary on this subject Ive ever read. My sex drive is strong but now my boyfriend, who is 5 years older than me, is on hypertension medicine and his testosterone is on the last number of normal. I would walk a mile in this mans shoes before I offer advice. So, heres what I did. But I have my workshop where I fix cars and my wood shop. I do, however, feel like absolute shit about the negative impact on my husband who is six years younger than me and who has always had a high (higher than mine, anyway) sex drive. Sigh . Then I find out shes got four different boyfriends. 60s, 70s. When we DO have intimacy, it usually comprises me masturbating until she finishes me with her mouth (which she still likes to do) and her using one of those power vibrators that sound like a jackhammer to get herself off. Would you be willing to see a therapist with me to learn how to talk about this? They think they do, Men expect women to get hormone therapy to fix the hormone problem. Now Im in my mid-50s, but have no problems whatsoever getting primed for sex. My hubby is one happy camper. Even with some ED we can still have a good orgasm..but she wont even touch me.. Im not a bad looking guy, and tend to her needs materially.. but sex is off the table. But we dont have sex or make love or anything you want to call it! A dip in intimacy can be brought on by several factors new responsibilities, changing priorities, biological and physiological changes. lol. Over the years this causes deep anger and then revulsion in the female. It wasnt until I got married at age 40 that I realized that my problem probably wasnt sexual boredom but something else. My wife and I hadnt had sex for more than a year. Hmmm. A lot of people are martyrs when it comes to sex. It is not fair that I have to take care of it by myself! I read these comments and feel for all of you, especially the men who I share with of which I have similar experiences. She had a hysterectomy years ago do to cancer concerns, about 5 years ago she had a stroke like episode but there where no signs of actual stroke damage and she had started botox/steroid therapy in her spinal column for pain issues so there is suspicion that caused it, but because of a possible stroke they wont give estrogen. If your wife won't touch you, maybe something has changed. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. he will not give me a divorce so yes take a lover if you need too cause feeling wanted, desired, and loved, is like food we all need it and deserve it! Many claim that its women who become dis- Also from a masculine point view primordial guttural sex that is still controlled contributes to female orgasim. But I do like your advice, dont waste time with them and take whatever you can get now. Maybe there are areas of your marriage to be worked on, maybe a little couples' therapy will make a big difference, or maybe it's time to consider whether this marriage is really worth holding on to. One of the top sexual concerns women have is feeling self-conscious about their own bodies during sex. Will: I was very disturbed to read your post. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. I fail to see the point of continuing further. We still find a way a couple of times a month, but it took my husband a long time to not feel he was at fault. Im just sad and trying to figure things out. Kelly Gonsalves is a sex educator, relationship coach, and journalist. , such as being secretive, avoiding you, or hitting the gym. Seriously? Feel like I wasted my life!!! Resentment Colors your entire relationship gray. Therapy will help you identify the issues underlying the lack of sex, teach you how to communicate more effectively, give you strategies for regaining your intimacy if shes willing, and tools for coping if shes not, and offer you the boost you need to work on your relationship. Now when it comes to my receiving oral sex to orgasm? She received her journalism degree from Northwestern University, and her writings on sex, relationships, identity, and wellness have appeared at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. Men must risk themselves, including sacrificing their own lives if necessary, to protect the women and children in their care. Most men do their deed and roll over. I just go to AA now instead (I drank too much for 10 years because of no sex) & have great old fashioned men friends and conversations of good life practices. It is so sad listening to mostly men talk about their wives not wanting sex. love him & my family and weve been married for 34 years & 5 years before that. WFT. Kelly Gonsalves is a multi-certified sex educator and relationship coach helping people figure out how to create dating and sex lives that actually feel good more open, more optimistic, and more pleasurable. They need not be. Youre saying I love her, etc etc and she couldnt care less? I have a similar problem but my situation is somewhat different as I am not on a lot of meds, and I am not unhappy with my life as an individual, but with my husband well, yes I kind of am unhappy with that aspect of my life. This is how civilizations are built. Hello Hawkeye I realized after marriage that I married her for the wrong reason, more of a rebound to fill something torn from me so abruptly, the love for my previous family(wife and children). etc. Copyright 2023 Older Adults Technology Services, Inc. All rights reserved. I have a simple fix for all this. That was then and she is gone now. It feels like torture just coming here and reading because it makes me want some so badly I dont know what to do. By the way, I love, desire, and adore my husband, but I recognize I will never have my needs met after almost 50 years. Additionally, she should see an endocrinologist who can check her thyroid. About 5 years ago (we've been married 29) she started not wanting me to touch her breasts as much and over time stopped letting me touch them altogether. I bet if a man did ever6a woman does in one day he would not bitch about sex he would pass out. I NEED an active partner. She doesnt like the image she sees in the mirror and that quells any sexual desire within. If your spouse has been going through such a patch, you must be a supportive husband post-pregnancy. I just dont understand. Its been a slow process in development, heading to the place we have arrived in our relationship. Having sex will actually help you physically and can add years to your life. So she still has a spark of sexiness ..but wants the womanizer. Surprise her by getting a sitter and taking her to a nice dinner. Especially if you once had a, One reason your wife never initiates affection may be stress related. Didnt mean to lump all this on You but your comment triggered something. For men the cost is being far more productive than hed need to be if caring only for himself and to forsake all other partners in pairing with his wife exclusively. She has to try, and she should want to try for your sake if not hers. I know we are very different people and and I am not trying to change her as much as letting her know the effects of being so distant and often dismissing my feelings yet I have to be totally responsive to her to keep her happy. Too bad; I truly live him but I dont need the stress. When you choose not to accept/care/act on it year after year, our desire disappears. Too much trouble. Im not really sure if you can put any one word to it. However, unless you know why your wife is avoiding sex or any forms of physical intimacy, you wont know what you need to work on. Especially because . That you would elevate paid sex with a stranger above the shared intimacy and love found only after years together as partners says even more. Well a few years ago sex began to get less and less. I still plan/need to continue working in a high tech job many hours a week, with excellent insurance, which is fortunate, and there is no way she can drive or work for several decades now. I was active outside a few times with permission, after 7 years of zero sex, and was not having problems engaging in it, but that had to stop when I tried to help a person I was seeing was caught. I was sleep-deprived for the first four months, getting about three and half hours of sleep a night. He is always sitting alone. Now I definitely feel more like the odd woman out after reading all those men complaining about lack of sex!I am 45 had a hysterectomy 3 years ago, so menopause was forced on me.I still feel like a horny B*** latina! She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes.